As I am learning to walk out of my pink castle step by step.

My christian friends have told me many times that I am worth dying for. In fact they love to tell the whole earth that they are worth dying for, becuase Jesus died for them.

I believe in Jesus very much and have been follwoing Him seriously for a few years now. So I do believe I am worth dying for. However, I don't understand the weight of it at all. 

As for now...these are just mere words. I have told my friends "Yes, that's all great but I don't understand it. Unless a guy die to safe me right now I won't be able to understand that concept."

So what does being loved by God feel like to me right now?

When I look back at my life for the past two years I am for sure that God has only been good to me. Even now I am still in His great blessings. I often think the reason there are so many good things happening to me is becauase God knows I am a whiny baby that needs to be spoiled. If something too tragic happens I would break. Just call me princess. (If you go checked out my frist post you'll find the story of me crying about the possiblilty of touching homeless people.)   http://growingoops.blogspot.com/2015/08/tenderloin-districtno-it-is-not.html

Like many people, I didn't really grow up with a propler father giure. So for the past two years God has bring many into my life.

The first one is Bryan Sippel. He is my high school friend's dad. He knows me since before I can speak a full sentance in English. One evening after hearing my car is making some sqeeky noise he took it upon his hands to check it for me. Than a few weeks later, to help me safe money, he changed the car breaks for me while he was still having his back pain.

it was the first time in my life I had a guy kneeling on a concret floor and got his hands all dirty. I didn't know what to make of it, but to make sure I am with Bryan alone the way so he wouldn't feel I was being ungrateful. Never had I experienced something like that before...a father has his entire body all over the dirty ground while his back is in pain.

Then there is Fred and Evelyn. I began to know them when I was living by myself in Loomis. Once a week they would invite me over for dinner and stuffed me with lots of food and dessert until I passed out on their couch. They often invite me to their cabin as well and even allowed me to invite new friends over.

It was a weekend full of giggling girls that Fred and Eveyln shouldn't have to deal with since thier own kids had grown up and started their own family. But they welcomed me and my fiends anyway and fed us very well with warmth and love. Fred and Evelyn said to me "your friends are our friends!"
The morning of our departure Fred grabed me to the side and smuggled a jar of juice into my hands that was meant for me only. He said it was the last bit and Evelyn worked hard making those grape juice. I was very delighted and spoiled. I felt very special.

Then there was a young man, Max, said he would help me oil change one day. At the time I was actually stressed because I hadn't fully experience a guy helping me for free. I was anxious what he might ask of me. I started to calculating the amount of money I should give him for no matter how much I give him, it will still be cheaper than going to a shop. Seeing this young man squeezed himself under my car, I was confused and wondered "what have I done to deserved this guy squeezed under a car for me?" He wasn't single so there's not way he was trying to hit on me...and he was at least 5 years my junior...so it had to be that he wanted some money.
At the end of oil changed I just had to ask: "Max, why are you doing this for me? what do you want from me?"
He looked at me confused and he said "I thought you needed oil changed?"
Though it was rude but I asked "Do you want money?"
He looked at me then said "All I want from you, Stephanie, is friendship. You are my friend"
I was trying to fight back my tears  but still couldn't hide my trembling voice I told him briefly that I ususally expect people want something from me.

It felt like it was the first time in my life a young guy has got himself dirty for me but ask nothing in return.... (this might not be true but I can be too forgetful sometimes)

The thing is...God has put people in my life to teach me what sacrificail love is. These stories are all just the begnning of the lesson of His love for me. (There are so much more people in my life that have been good to me. I am just scraching the surface here)
I am a very forgetful person so eventhough God has tput many people, men and women, in my life to love on me I still get bitter and grumpy. I started to compare my life with others. And if you know my whole story it is true that I don't have the worst childhood. In fact, many people would say I have a blessed one; for I have alway's lived a wealthy life and have whatever I wanted.
My wish is that as I am maturing, both in life and in Chrit, I'll began to understand the depth of His Love and not to be ungratful repeatdly. Most importantly LET GO of my own idea of what Love and happiness look like but His truth. 

遲來的道謝

大舅舅好,對不起我拖這麼久才來跟你道謝您過去讓我在教會實習的支持.
您豪爽的幫助我也不多問我到底是在做些甚麼.所以我想是時候跟您解釋一下我過去一兩年的經歷.
說真的,如果我有重新過去年的選擇,我一定會在選在教會實習一年. 這段實習雖然過得辛苦但是同時從中獲得的意義對我有很大的幫助
首先我就先來告訴你一切是怎麼開始的

大學畢業以後我其實很寂寞. 所有如家人般的大學朋友都搬回到家鄉, 而我一個人在Bay Area 也找不到適合自己的教會. 我便開始想念起以前跟萍姨在Granite Bay 一起住時所去的教會.那教會很大,能夠認識的人也很多.加上我高中時的朋友也還住在同一個區域
2014 年五月再去拜訪萍姨和]小舅舅時,我便鼓起勇氣問是否我可以跟小舅舅住 (他當時的住家離萍姨家只有15分鐘. 算是同一個區域)
出乎我預料的小舅舅很爽快的答應了. 所以一個星期內我就從Bay Area 搬到 小舅舅家

搬家了以後我重新跟我高中朋友聯絡,而透過他們我也認識更多人
照片中三個女性朋友自從我搬回來後對我心靈上有很大的幫助.是我的支持,也同時教導我很多事情.同我一起成長這些朋友們不斷的教導我'指引我更親近神

在學會開車以後我便開始去我現在的教會Bayside Church. 教會很大,每個周末大概有一萬人左右.時不時就會有大型活動

在2015年初時我常在教會的咖啡廳畫畫. 時不時就看到年輕人們在教會東奔西走,所以我便開始跟他們談話,問起他們怎麼會在周間時還在教會晃
他們便告訴我他們屬於教會的實習生.主要是在教會工作和學習
在深入瞭解以後我便決定要參加
這群年輕人往往都19歲作多20出頭,但他們的成熟度卻超出和他們同年的人.我也想要如此班成熟, 在加上他們所參加的這個實習課程是叫 "Thrive School of Leadership"...
我的夢想是有一天成為art director. 是個需要有領導能力的人才...所以我想藉這課程學習領導能力.


經過面試後我終於入學了. 本以為是個誰都會被錄取的可成, 沒想到並不是這樣. 下面是入學第一天拍的照片, 8月15 號
當時有70 個學生左,但之後有幾個學生決定退出或是被開除

在入學後學校讓我們選出三個自己想實習的領域, 我所寫的都是有關畫畫跟設計的領域....但沒想到我們其中一個創學領導人Dena 跟我說,他覺得我比較適合在大學團契作實習. 再加上Dena 認為我已經在外面有足夠的話畫經驗,他希望我可以在其他事上學習.　我當下的回應是＂如果是神要我這樣做我就聽你的吧，Dena!"

所以我就照著上面的安排在大學團契實習．而這是個讓我到今天都感到非常慶幸的決定

雖然剛開始因為我對大學生們的文化和生活方式很不了解而感到厭煩．連跟我一同在大學團契實習的實習工們都常常笑我，說＂Stephanie hates colleage students" 還時常跟我說＂有一天會你喜歡人群．＂
又加上我被分配到的工作根本是大家都不想做的事．．．．他們爭先恐後的把準備食物的工作給我．．．並不是我不喜歡．．．而是我是唯一對準備零食表示有興趣．．．所以在非配工作時大家一聽到我有興趣，他們二話不說就把工作塞給我了

大舅可能會想．．．準備食物我有甚麼難的？
我雖然平時挺愛做點心．．．但是要準備２百多人的點心當時還是第一次．加上我上司又要求我得組織自己的食物團隊（組團隊也是第一次）　又要迎合每個人的口味．我住的這區域又有不少人對食物有一定的要求．．．要馬是食物過敏，又或者是吃素．．．然後要擺飾要好看又高雅．讓大學生們感到有＂成年人＂的感覺．．．所以各方面都得考慮

一開始我挺緊張，但努力加上豁出去的精神，更重要的是我周遭有很多人幫助我．工作也算是挺順利的

這是準備食物跟大學團契的地點

第一次為兩百多人買菜的照片

這是朋友們幫我一起挑選情人節整個二月份的菜單的照片

這是聖誕節派對幫三四百人準備的點心．．．還是快五百？

這是我朋友們幫我準備情人節草莓巧克力的照片

當時每個禮拜四晚上的大學團契我每個禮拜二就得開始準備點心.雖然一開始覺得挺辛苦,也得花很多時間準備菜單...到後來也就比較得心應手了

這是大學團契實習工們和上司們
DENA是中間跪著的長髮女生.非常有智慧又風趣.而她卻只大我三歲而已喔. 她也是這課程的創辦人之一

這是一群相當有活力又幽默的團隊,我相當喜歡他們這些朋友

幾個月前我們一群實習工決定趁上司們出差時把他們的辦公室裝滿氣球

我們畫了兩天的時間口吹七百個氣球

在參加這實習課程其中重要的一環是住在別人家. 教會向大家宣布這實習課程需要有家庭願意開放自家讓學生免費吃住9個月...而我被分配到的寄宿家庭是這對菲律賓父母.他們開放家給我跟他們的姪女(照片最左邊)9個月.  在這期間對我們很照顧 Leo and Bernadette Abucayan

這實習課程另一個重要的一環是小組....這是我這組的女孩們.大都十九歲二十出頭...還有小組的領導人 Heidi..我旁邊黑髮的女生...這個小組的女孩每周聚會一次,分享實習課程中所經歷的困難和學習到的事物.更重要的是我們時常為對方禱告,傾聽對方的心事,並互相勉勵對方的過了9個.

圖片是我們最後一天結業的聚會...我們一群學生60幾個人...再一一跟彼此說出激勵的話..在一起禱告後解散

這些是一群相當美麗的年輕人...雖然沒有人是完美的..但是他們努力走在神幫他們準備的道路上..並真心的愛著神和周圍的人們的心相當的燦爛.

這過去一年大概是我目前人生中最艱辛卻也相當快樂的時光. 艱辛其實並不是因為身體勞力上的辛苦.而是因為周遭的人們逼著對方面對心裡真正的感受和過去的陰影.

在這群年輕人中有不少經歷過很多心靈跟身體上的創傷.再跟著他們這些人哭哭笑笑的走出過去的傷痛並得到解放...真的是我從沒想像過的...尤其我雖不老, 年紀卻是在這群人中最大的...我從沒想過在25歲的我既然還有機會在這安全又充滿愛的地方得到心靈上的醫治...因為不少跟我同歲數的人們其實並沒我這麼幸運...通常在我這歲數的成年人是逼著把自己的過去給埋起來當作沒發生過...並強顏歡笑的過著. 但我不同, 我很幸運的能夠來到這實習課程,遇到這群真心關心我的人們,並重新了解過去的受傷中了解自己. 從中走出來,並以真正自己的樣子繼續走向未來的日子. 

也許這些刷刷毛皮的話大舅可能還是不太能了解我過去九個月的時光.您只需要知道,這九個月是我這一生中無法取代也願意重來過的時光就可以了. 即使在中間我曾因不能常畫畫而流淚過. 但是我從不後悔這九個月的時間

我現在的新生活是做保母. 我陪伴著小孩成長. 這份工作是我的菲律賓家庭介紹的. 我的這個新家庭的父母也同樣對我非常的照顧. 雖然我是他們的保母但他們也很注重我未來想要的工作. 也都會給我安排自己的私人時間學習畫畫. 其實我並不用幫小孩打掃太多.主要是幫助它們成長跟學會獨立自主. 雖然才剛開始上工,將來一定會有困難的地方, 不過我相信神安排我在這裡一定有祂的用意. 而我只要努力的活著就好

希望以上有幫大舅舅更了解我過去的生活...也希望您能知道您的贊助真的沒有白費,而是幫助我能夠更快樂的活著的其中一個支持.

雖然來遲了,不過真的很謝謝大舅舅的對我過去的支持

昕樺   敬上

Families

I just wanted to take some time to honor the families God has put in my life (not incluing my immediate family and relatives and friends). When I cried out for desire of a family God blesses me with multiple. Through them God showed what a God-Ceneterd family can look like, what a gentle man should be and what a responsible father whould do; and last but not least, what it is like to be taking care of by people who enjoy your presence and ask for nothing more.





Denis and Dennise

(this is a picture of them 30 years ago, aren they cute? They are my college friend Scott's parents )
During my college years, aka my years living in the Bay Area, they had been making sure I am not lonely. Whenever I visited them at Santa Cruz their hostpitality always took me by surprise. They even drove out from Santa Cruz to help me move from Berkeley to Oakland after college graduation. Christmas 2013 they invited me over to their family Christmas reunion. There were 30 people running around in the house crazy. It was my first time witnessing a big family reunion and piles of presents reached up to the ceiling. Their love language is definitely gift giving. They showered me with presents I didn't expect.

David and Mary Ann

I first met them when I was in high school and could barely speak English. I used to visit them once a week when I was in high school to paint at their home. David would show me his paintings and art technics he uses, and Mary Ann would show me the beautiful quilts she created. After moving back from the Bay Area I got back in touch with them and they took my frienship in immediately. They are like grandparents who give me great advices and talked about life expeirences, espeically I had no more grandparents alive anymore.


Fred and Evelyn

They are frist my uncle and aunt's friends. I started to get acquainted with them after my uncle and aunt moved to Sacramento and allowed me stay in Loomis by on my own until Thrive School started. During that one month Fred and Evelyn invited me over to their cabin weekly, and spoiled me with comfort food and cozy room that they called it "your room" whenever I visited. One time Fred was teaching me how to drive a quad bike and I took down a fance of a Christmas Tree farm. Since then Fred would not stop making jokes of my Aisian driving skill. Evelyn whom always make great home cook. She is a wonderful lady with a very kind heart. They have been married for 30 plus years and to this day Fred would still open the car door for Evelyn. Then when it was time for me to move to my host family, not only did they helped me move they stored my stuff at their cabin. After they dropped me off at my host family they said, "It is like dropping our daughters off to college all over again."

This is a picture of my Thrive School friends. Fred and Evelyn agreed to my shameless request of having a group of girls they had never met to stay at their cabin for a weekend. 

Leo and Bernadatte and their family

They are my host parents. The family dynamic at the house is fasinating to me, especially the presence of the father. The first thing he said to me when I first walked into the room I am now staying, he said, 'the bunk bed might not seems sturdy, but it is. I had been up there with Leah(their youngest daughter who used to occupide the room)" I would never imaging having my father come to my room let a lone sitting in the same bed. Seeing the head of this house knows where everything is and actually fixing stuff and serve his family selflessly is foreign to me. Few day ago after knowing my windshield wiper need to be replaced he offered to help me put a new one on. Last year I was crying in the rain by myself struggling to put on the windshield wipers and thought that no one would ever take care of me, and here is a father who offered assistance without me even had the thought of asking for help. God works in such wonderful way.

Bryan and Janie

They are one of my close friends Rachael's parents who live across a street from church.(also knew me since I was in high school) They open their quite and cozy home to me whenever I am tired. On Halloween we marathoned classic horried movies and on New Years eve and day we marathoned Star Wars! On a usual visit I just sit in their couch either taking a nap or listen to their stories and views in life. One night I accidentally scrapped a car while I was parking so I escaped to their home. Janie and my friend Rachael took me back to the place where accident happened and taught me how to take care of a matter like that.

The other time Bryan heard my car was making a squeeking noise and took care of it by putting on the rare brakes for me. He was on his keens for at least an hour, mean while he was wearing a waist support for he had been having back pain. I would never imagine this to happen.

Joseph and Linda

They are parents of 8 children. Their daughter Bethany has become one of my close friends since I moved Loomis. They may not be the wealthiest people I know but their walk in Christ is definitely a one I admire. Going to their home is a treat for me. I grew up having everything I want as a kid, so naturally I thought rasing kids would cost a fortune. However, their family has shown me rasing kids is more than wealth. Kids don't need everything they want but they do need a lot of selfless love. When Joseph and Linda start singing worship songs in front of the piano their kids would huddle up around them and praise God. The parents' devotion and love for God is what make their house peaceful; and by setting a living example their kids follow up their foot steps in their walk with Christ.

Dana and Sandy

They are definately a couple who live a God-centered life.
The few times I've talk to them are always eyes opening. They have been providing peaceful house to college students who need a place to rest and have been insperational to many. Their love for God is evident not only with words, but most importantly in actions.






In all honesty I grew up in a good family. My mother is always very loving and supportive of what I do...even discovered my talents for me, I wouldn't have gone to school for animation if she didn't suggest it to me; And my brother, though we have been living aprart for 12 years and don't always get along becuase of it, yet whenever I visit him he always spoils me gifts and food. However, having living away from mom and the culture I grew up in for 8 years had made me tired and in need of comfort. I could have simply go on a wrong path to look for comfort but God always pull me back and blessed me with families and friends that are genuinely loving.When I whine out of self-pity to God that I am "homeless" He gave me grace and provides families to comfort my whiny heart. And these families have been showing me examples of what a home can look like. In many ways they have shaped my thoughts and understandings and put new perspectives in life.

Glory to God who has been so graceful to me. I am not the most unfortnate kid yet He hears my whine. He put families together to filled up what I feel lacking in my life. And He didn't just give me one family, He gave me more abundant.

I am sure my identity in Christ isn't as horrible as the picture on my driver license.

25 days ago one of the s charactestudents in Thrive School read out loud
Psalm 139: 7-12
"Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, 'Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,'
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you"


To be honest with you, I started bawling the moment the student finished reading the very first sentence. That was the day pastor Curt taught the character traits of God. At the end of the session, he asked:
"Why is it important for us to know God's character traits ? Why does God put these in the Bible?"

A couple of answers came from the students, but none of those were what Pastor Curt was looking for. Then some words popped into my mind; Do you ever have those moments you are pretty sure those smart ideas or thoughts should not have come out of your dull unintelligent mind? This was one of those moments for me; I said quietly to pastor Curt, "Because we need the reassurance of God's character traits." Unfortunately, that was the answer he was looking for and he told me to stand up and repeat the answer. Standing in front of 70 plus students while I looked like I had obviously just cried wasn't the best situation. I repeated what I had said and quickly sat down.

"We need the ASSURANCE of God's character traits!"

Then Monday came, the day for us to share the word that we believed that God had for each of us for this season of life with our Disciple Group (mentor-group). When it was my turn to share my thoughts, neither I nor any body else could really figure out what word God may have for me. What I did remember saying was that I might be secretly an angry person, and I AM needy, which I have been working on for the past year, (even before I knew I was going to do Thrive School), yet my struggles came up again and slap me in the face. The leader of my Disciple Group suggested that I should meet with a counselor to figure out the source of my anger, for anger is the fruit of something. I left tired, confused and pretty much shut down my emotions. One of the girls from my D-group later called me and asked if I would like to talk to her godfather/counselor. She made sure I was not just giving her an empty promise to call but that I would actually call. Aside from my fear of what might be revealed from counseling..I kept my promise.

That phone call might just be the most liberating call I have ever had in my life so far.

I don't know who I am.

My childhood, though not the worst, had not been one that allowed me to express my true feelings. Therefore, I have become a people-pleaser. A few years back, I was stuck between pleasing my mom as well as my father. My mom yelled at me angrily, which she barely does, saying:
"Why don't you argue? Argue with me!"
I still remember this day clearly because what kind of parent would ever say this to their kids?

After the phone call with the counselor, I allowed myself to cry out loud. I knew all the people in the house could hear me, yet I felt free. I am now able to look back at this past year of my journey with God and see how He orchestrated many events, especially the night He put all the pieces of my life together to give me the picture of my past and present through my friend's godfather/counselor. I was simply fascinated. First, He moved me to Loomis within a week, then He reconnected me with high school friends. Through these friends, I began to meet other Godly young ladies who have been pouring love and truth into me for the past year. He began to heal my wounded soul and prepare for me for Thrive School. Finally, He gave me a host home where I can rediscover my identity safely.

God waited for me to agree on His plan, and the moment I whispered "yes", He shoved all His gifts in my face. It was kind of overwhelming, but awesome :)  

I still don't really know who God created me to be, but like my wise friend, Susie Veon, said:
"We are all individuals and the Lord knows us intimately and loves us completely and he loves to see us stretch and grow.  His expectation is that we become who we are uniquely meant to be - learn from others but never are held to become like them - they have their own journey."  



My journey to find my identity in Christ has just begun and probably won't be as easy of a ride as I wish, but I pray that I'll always look to God as I walk through the world. I've got the assurance of God's character traits and His unchangeable goodness and promises found in the Bible. So, while I am finding my identity in Him, I am learning to rely on these. Being a Christian doesn't mean I will live comfortably in a cottage with my perfect family, but it means that God promises to be with me always, even when I don't feel Him, and that I will reunite with Him in the end.
Oh yes, my word for the season is "Identity".

"It's not a slap in the face from God every single day, think of it as kisses from God, Stephanie!", said by my friend who probably secretly own a unicorn in her backyard full of rainbows.

For those of you who don't know me, I draw. 

If you ask me: "What do you do?"

I would reply "I am a concept artist and illustrator"

Since Thrive School started I have not had the opportunity to draw as much nor do people realized my drawing ability. It has been a long while since the last time people ask to see my art work genuinely...And when they do see my sketches or doodles, those are not meant to be shown. Then seeing other people get recognized for their artistic skills dose not make me feel better.

I do think God striped down the identity that has been every important to me on purpose. Right now my job is to prepared snacks for the college ministry every Thursday night. I just began the job but I am happy to know that I will posses more skills in the near future. It's actually quite comforting to be honest. There were a time I worried about not knowing anything else but drawing. What can a person really do in a long run if they only possess one skill? Especially she's not even the best of what she can do.

God is good though. Just whenever I have the thought of maybe I won't be drawing for the rest of my life someone would tell me "DON'T EVER STOP DRAWING!"

Thrive School is a very intense program. Within the last 3 weeks almost every single day I am to re-identified myself. There's always something new to learn or old scars to face. Then there are habits to break and new ones to pick up. There are days that it feels liberating to know the truth of myself but some nights I just wish God would take it slow. 

Overall, I am happy. It IS a privilege to be in this program. Let's be honest, there are not many people at my age get to re-identify themselves in a healthy way, nor do they get the second chance of being a child and discovered who they really are freely.

The day before I turn 25 I was having an inseurity problem. Turning 25 isn't that great when you are surrounded by late teen yearly 20 t's girls all day. Their skin is tight and their bodies are great. You most be thinking "Stephanie, 25 is young!!" Yes, it IS young, but not young enough. My leader then gave me a piece of paper with a title "Who you REALLY are 'right now' in Christ" with bible verses and told me to read though them. The next morning I open my bible to spend some time with God. The first on the list to read was John 1:12

But to all who did receive him (Christ), who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God,

                                      -John 1:12 (English Standard Version)

I am a child of God.

That's my first identity.

The next verse I continued to read.

who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God.

                                            -John 1:13 (ESV)

I am born of the will of God!

The next thing I remember was skipping across the camp site's soccer filed and singing, trying my best not to disturb others who had also rose early to spend time with God.

I am born of the will of God. So what change just by knowing this?
I started to ask God who He wants me to become.

I realized He doesn't want me to be any younger or older, or even let my drawing skill to define me....but to BE God's child first and pursue Him.
I am yet to learn what kind of person God wants me to become. My age is just right and my drawing ability is actually one of the ways to help me to connect with God more. Especially when I am sketching out natures.

Tenderloin District...no, it is not Dandelion or Tender Lion.

The Lord challenges us to suffer persecutions and to confess him. He was those who belong to him to be brave and fearless. He himself shows how weakness of the flesh is overcome by courage of the Spirit. This is the testimony of the apostles and in particular of the representative, administrating Spirit. A Christian is fearless.        
-Tertullian

No, I am not being persecuted as a Christian, not even close.

But I am a chicken trembling under its' mama's wings called "look at the bright side and pretend there's nothing wrong with the world!"

When I first heard the name Tenderloin I thought it was spelled Dandelion...."how cute" I thought

Then when I knew what it was actually spelled...I thought, "It would be better if it is spelled 

Tender Lion. That's a good lion right there, you can pet it!"

When we arrived the area I was a bit shocked. I've been to SF by myself and walk on Market street plenty of times. I would have never thought just a block away is Tenderloin District, a place of human trafficking, homeless, filth, death, drugs, insanity and just plain desperation and loneliness. 

As we started our day off at City Impact's office (an organization that help the people at Tenderloin), and listening to this Chinese guy talking about his reasons and experiences helping the people in Tenderloin. All other students in Thrive School were so pumped up by the speech but my mind was in a different place.

I cried.
I didn't want to go out there and talked to the desperate people. One of the leader Heidi asked "why?"

At the moment I could only said "I don't want to look into their eyes and see sadness." 

My reason at the time suggested I am kind, but there was more. I spent most of my life looking the other way pretending there's no brutality in this world, because I thought it will never be part of my life. 

Now being in Tenderloin and everything was in my face...and the good chance of while we were listening to the pumped up speech, an innocent girl or kid is being abused in the building across the street from us. It was more than I could bear. 

Heidi then suggested I can stay in the kitchen instead. 

Like a whiny annoying kid, I said no to that and went on the streets though I cried about it.

I think God knows that I was not ready to see anything more so the 2 days we were there serving I didn't see any demon possessed people like some of the students had. Nor have I seen too much that I came back quiet. 

The firs day morning I was just running back and froth between Rescue Mission and City Impact Thrift store trying to find a set of clothes for a large lady. Which took lots of time and two other male students follow me back and forth, just in case anything happened. They were such good sports, very kind and no complains while I took their time away from spending time with people in needs.

In the afternoon I just helped in the kitchen for a change. 

Then in the evening all the students were out on the streets to pray with people. That evening was quite interesting. There was this person called Jeremiah, pretty much an Anti-Christ, telling us that we are all doing devil's works. Then he claimed he was a prophet come to save the world and has died and rose again by shot heroin into his arm. He even claim there are 8000 people in Hawaii doing yoga and they are his followers. 

One thing I found interesting was....thought he was using jehovah's witnesses bible..that bible IS very well read. Jeremiah knows his bible very well yet what he got out of it is so out of the world.

The conversation with this guy went on for 20-30 minutes between him and other Thrive Students...but it didn't really go anywhere.

On the way back to City Impact's office, we passed by a Catholic church with homeless people sleeping in front. Some students in my group started to have long and deep conversations with some of them. While I was waiting, one of the homeless old men Called Victor woke up. He used the little English he know to tell me Cuba was a beautiful county but not any more. I then asked him if he was doing all right, he replied "I am good now but I don't know about tomorrow."..(how do I replied to that?) However I did made sure my eyes were looking straight into his so I can really connect with him. Then I asked if I could  prayed from him, he immediately agreed. After the prayer I pet his head and told him to come to Rescue Mission for food the next morning. 

It's really God who helped me to do any of this. If it wasn't God I would't have touch a homeless person with no disgust or fear. Nor would I even try to connect with a homeless person and learn that he has a name....and he is Victor. To be really honest with you, (yeah, Thrive Naked!) I don't know how long Victor still got in his life. In fact he didn't even showed up at the Rescue Mission the next morning, and the street he was on the night before was being washed by a streets cleaner. I don't think I've helped this old man that much. It is probably more about God works in me by allowing me to see the sadness of reality, so that I can understand more about His sorrow and His love for His children who are suffering.