I believe in Jesus very much and have been follwoing Him seriously for a few years now. So I do believe I am worth dying for. However, I don't understand the weight of it at all.
As for now...these are just mere words. I have told my friends "Yes, that's all great but I don't understand it. Unless a guy die to safe me right now I won't be able to understand that concept."
So what does being loved by God feel like to me right now?
When I look back at my life for the past two years I am for sure that God has only been good to me. Even now I am still in His great blessings. I often think the reason there are so many good things happening to me is becauase God knows I am a whiny baby that needs to be spoiled. If something too tragic happens I would break. Just call me princess. (If you go checked out my frist post you'll find the story of me crying about the possiblilty of touching homeless people.) http://growingoops.blogspot.com/2015/08/tenderloin-districtno-it-is-not.html
Like many people, I didn't really grow up with a propler father giure. So for the past two years God has bring many into my life.
The first one is Bryan Sippel. He is my high school friend's dad. He knows me since before I can speak a full sentance in English. One evening after hearing my car is making some sqeeky noise he took it upon his hands to check it for me. Than a few weeks later, to help me safe money, he changed the car breaks for me while he was still having his back pain.
it was the first time in my life I had a guy kneeling on a concret floor and got his hands all dirty. I didn't know what to make of it, but to make sure I am with Bryan alone the way so he wouldn't feel I was being ungrateful. Never had I experienced something like that before...a father has his entire body all over the dirty ground while his back is in pain.
Then there is Fred and Evelyn. I began to know them when I was living by myself in Loomis. Once a week they would invite me over for dinner and stuffed me with lots of food and dessert until I passed out on their couch. They often invite me to their cabin as well and even allowed me to invite new friends over.
It was a weekend full of giggling girls that Fred and Eveyln shouldn't have to deal with since thier own kids had grown up and started their own family. But they welcomed me and my fiends anyway and fed us very well with warmth and love. Fred and Evelyn said to me "your friends are our friends!"
The morning of our departure Fred grabed me to the side and smuggled a jar of juice into my hands that was meant for me only. He said it was the last bit and Evelyn worked hard making those grape juice. I was very delighted and spoiled. I felt very special.
Then there was a young man, Max, said he would help me oil change one day. At the time I was actually stressed because I hadn't fully experience a guy helping me for free. I was anxious what he might ask of me. I started to calculating the amount of money I should give him for no matter how much I give him, it will still be cheaper than going to a shop. Seeing this young man squeezed himself under my car, I was confused and wondered "what have I done to deserved this guy squeezed under a car for me?" He wasn't single so there's not way he was trying to hit on me...and he was at least 5 years my junior...so it had to be that he wanted some money.
At the end of oil changed I just had to ask: "Max, why are you doing this for me? what do you want from me?"
He looked at me confused and he said "I thought you needed oil changed?"
Though it was rude but I asked "Do you want money?"
He looked at me then said "All I want from you, Stephanie, is friendship. You are my friend"
I was trying to fight back my tears but still couldn't hide my trembling voice I told him briefly that I ususally expect people want something from me.
It felt like it was the first time in my life a young guy has got himself dirty for me but ask nothing in return.... (this might not be true but I can be too forgetful sometimes)
The thing is...God has put people in my life to teach me what sacrificail love is. These stories are all just the begnning of the lesson of His love for me. (There are so much more people in my life that have been good to me. I am just scraching the surface here)
I am a very forgetful person so eventhough God has tput many people, men and women, in my life to love on me I still get bitter and grumpy. I started to compare my life with others. And if you know my whole story it is true that I don't have the worst childhood. In fact, many people would say I have a blessed one; for I have alway's lived a wealthy life and have whatever I wanted.
My wish is that as I am maturing, both in life and in Chrit, I'll began to understand the depth of His Love and not to be ungratful repeatdly. Most importantly LET GO of my own idea of what Love and happiness look like but His truth.
Then there is Fred and Evelyn. I began to know them when I was living by myself in Loomis. Once a week they would invite me over for dinner and stuffed me with lots of food and dessert until I passed out on their couch. They often invite me to their cabin as well and even allowed me to invite new friends over.
It was a weekend full of giggling girls that Fred and Eveyln shouldn't have to deal with since thier own kids had grown up and started their own family. But they welcomed me and my fiends anyway and fed us very well with warmth and love. Fred and Evelyn said to me "your friends are our friends!"
The morning of our departure Fred grabed me to the side and smuggled a jar of juice into my hands that was meant for me only. He said it was the last bit and Evelyn worked hard making those grape juice. I was very delighted and spoiled. I felt very special.
Then there was a young man, Max, said he would help me oil change one day. At the time I was actually stressed because I hadn't fully experience a guy helping me for free. I was anxious what he might ask of me. I started to calculating the amount of money I should give him for no matter how much I give him, it will still be cheaper than going to a shop. Seeing this young man squeezed himself under my car, I was confused and wondered "what have I done to deserved this guy squeezed under a car for me?" He wasn't single so there's not way he was trying to hit on me...and he was at least 5 years my junior...so it had to be that he wanted some money.
At the end of oil changed I just had to ask: "Max, why are you doing this for me? what do you want from me?"
He looked at me confused and he said "I thought you needed oil changed?"
Though it was rude but I asked "Do you want money?"
He looked at me then said "All I want from you, Stephanie, is friendship. You are my friend"
I was trying to fight back my tears but still couldn't hide my trembling voice I told him briefly that I ususally expect people want something from me.
It felt like it was the first time in my life a young guy has got himself dirty for me but ask nothing in return.... (this might not be true but I can be too forgetful sometimes)
The thing is...God has put people in my life to teach me what sacrificail love is. These stories are all just the begnning of the lesson of His love for me. (There are so much more people in my life that have been good to me. I am just scraching the surface here)
I am a very forgetful person so eventhough God has tput many people, men and women, in my life to love on me I still get bitter and grumpy. I started to compare my life with others. And if you know my whole story it is true that I don't have the worst childhood. In fact, many people would say I have a blessed one; for I have alway's lived a wealthy life and have whatever I wanted.
My wish is that as I am maturing, both in life and in Chrit, I'll began to understand the depth of His Love and not to be ungratful repeatdly. Most importantly LET GO of my own idea of what Love and happiness look like but His truth.
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