I am sure my identity in Christ isn't as horrible as the picture on my driver license.

25 days ago one of the s charactestudents in Thrive School read out loud
Psalm 139: 7-12
"Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, 'Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,'
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you"


To be honest with you, I started bawling the moment the student finished reading the very first sentence. That was the day pastor Curt taught the character traits of God. At the end of the session, he asked:
"Why is it important for us to know God's character traits ? Why does God put these in the Bible?"

A couple of answers came from the students, but none of those were what Pastor Curt was looking for. Then some words popped into my mind; Do you ever have those moments you are pretty sure those smart ideas or thoughts should not have come out of your dull unintelligent mind? This was one of those moments for me; I said quietly to pastor Curt, "Because we need the reassurance of God's character traits." Unfortunately, that was the answer he was looking for and he told me to stand up and repeat the answer. Standing in front of 70 plus students while I looked like I had obviously just cried wasn't the best situation. I repeated what I had said and quickly sat down.

"We need the ASSURANCE of God's character traits!"

Then Monday came, the day for us to share the word that we believed that God had for each of us for this season of life with our Disciple Group (mentor-group). When it was my turn to share my thoughts, neither I nor any body else could really figure out what word God may have for me. What I did remember saying was that I might be secretly an angry person, and I AM needy, which I have been working on for the past year, (even before I knew I was going to do Thrive School), yet my struggles came up again and slap me in the face. The leader of my Disciple Group suggested that I should meet with a counselor to figure out the source of my anger, for anger is the fruit of something. I left tired, confused and pretty much shut down my emotions. One of the girls from my D-group later called me and asked if I would like to talk to her godfather/counselor. She made sure I was not just giving her an empty promise to call but that I would actually call. Aside from my fear of what might be revealed from counseling..I kept my promise.

That phone call might just be the most liberating call I have ever had in my life so far.

I don't know who I am.

My childhood, though not the worst, had not been one that allowed me to express my true feelings. Therefore, I have become a people-pleaser. A few years back, I was stuck between pleasing my mom as well as my father. My mom yelled at me angrily, which she barely does, saying:
"Why don't you argue? Argue with me!"
I still remember this day clearly because what kind of parent would ever say this to their kids?

After the phone call with the counselor, I allowed myself to cry out loud. I knew all the people in the house could hear me, yet I felt free. I am now able to look back at this past year of my journey with God and see how He orchestrated many events, especially the night He put all the pieces of my life together to give me the picture of my past and present through my friend's godfather/counselor. I was simply fascinated. First, He moved me to Loomis within a week, then He reconnected me with high school friends. Through these friends, I began to meet other Godly young ladies who have been pouring love and truth into me for the past year. He began to heal my wounded soul and prepare for me for Thrive School. Finally, He gave me a host home where I can rediscover my identity safely.

God waited for me to agree on His plan, and the moment I whispered "yes", He shoved all His gifts in my face. It was kind of overwhelming, but awesome :)  

I still don't really know who God created me to be, but like my wise friend, Susie Veon, said:
"We are all individuals and the Lord knows us intimately and loves us completely and he loves to see us stretch and grow.  His expectation is that we become who we are uniquely meant to be - learn from others but never are held to become like them - they have their own journey."  



My journey to find my identity in Christ has just begun and probably won't be as easy of a ride as I wish, but I pray that I'll always look to God as I walk through the world. I've got the assurance of God's character traits and His unchangeable goodness and promises found in the Bible. So, while I am finding my identity in Him, I am learning to rely on these. Being a Christian doesn't mean I will live comfortably in a cottage with my perfect family, but it means that God promises to be with me always, even when I don't feel Him, and that I will reunite with Him in the end.
Oh yes, my word for the season is "Identity".

"It's not a slap in the face from God every single day, think of it as kisses from God, Stephanie!", said by my friend who probably secretly own a unicorn in her backyard full of rainbows.

For those of you who don't know me, I draw. 

If you ask me: "What do you do?"

I would reply "I am a concept artist and illustrator"

Since Thrive School started I have not had the opportunity to draw as much nor do people realized my drawing ability. It has been a long while since the last time people ask to see my art work genuinely...And when they do see my sketches or doodles, those are not meant to be shown. Then seeing other people get recognized for their artistic skills dose not make me feel better.

I do think God striped down the identity that has been every important to me on purpose. Right now my job is to prepared snacks for the college ministry every Thursday night. I just began the job but I am happy to know that I will posses more skills in the near future. It's actually quite comforting to be honest. There were a time I worried about not knowing anything else but drawing. What can a person really do in a long run if they only possess one skill? Especially she's not even the best of what she can do.

God is good though. Just whenever I have the thought of maybe I won't be drawing for the rest of my life someone would tell me "DON'T EVER STOP DRAWING!"

Thrive School is a very intense program. Within the last 3 weeks almost every single day I am to re-identified myself. There's always something new to learn or old scars to face. Then there are habits to break and new ones to pick up. There are days that it feels liberating to know the truth of myself but some nights I just wish God would take it slow. 

Overall, I am happy. It IS a privilege to be in this program. Let's be honest, there are not many people at my age get to re-identify themselves in a healthy way, nor do they get the second chance of being a child and discovered who they really are freely.

The day before I turn 25 I was having an inseurity problem. Turning 25 isn't that great when you are surrounded by late teen yearly 20 t's girls all day. Their skin is tight and their bodies are great. You most be thinking "Stephanie, 25 is young!!" Yes, it IS young, but not young enough. My leader then gave me a piece of paper with a title "Who you REALLY are 'right now' in Christ" with bible verses and told me to read though them. The next morning I open my bible to spend some time with God. The first on the list to read was John 1:12

But to all who did receive him (Christ), who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God,

                                      -John 1:12 (English Standard Version)

I am a child of God.

That's my first identity.

The next verse I continued to read.

who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God.

                                            -John 1:13 (ESV)

I am born of the will of God!

The next thing I remember was skipping across the camp site's soccer filed and singing, trying my best not to disturb others who had also rose early to spend time with God.

I am born of the will of God. So what change just by knowing this?
I started to ask God who He wants me to become.

I realized He doesn't want me to be any younger or older, or even let my drawing skill to define me....but to BE God's child first and pursue Him.
I am yet to learn what kind of person God wants me to become. My age is just right and my drawing ability is actually one of the ways to help me to connect with God more. Especially when I am sketching out natures.

Tenderloin District...no, it is not Dandelion or Tender Lion.

The Lord challenges us to suffer persecutions and to confess him. He was those who belong to him to be brave and fearless. He himself shows how weakness of the flesh is overcome by courage of the Spirit. This is the testimony of the apostles and in particular of the representative, administrating Spirit. A Christian is fearless.        
-Tertullian

No, I am not being persecuted as a Christian, not even close.

But I am a chicken trembling under its' mama's wings called "look at the bright side and pretend there's nothing wrong with the world!"

When I first heard the name Tenderloin I thought it was spelled Dandelion...."how cute" I thought

Then when I knew what it was actually spelled...I thought, "It would be better if it is spelled 

Tender Lion. That's a good lion right there, you can pet it!"

When we arrived the area I was a bit shocked. I've been to SF by myself and walk on Market street plenty of times. I would have never thought just a block away is Tenderloin District, a place of human trafficking, homeless, filth, death, drugs, insanity and just plain desperation and loneliness. 

As we started our day off at City Impact's office (an organization that help the people at Tenderloin), and listening to this Chinese guy talking about his reasons and experiences helping the people in Tenderloin. All other students in Thrive School were so pumped up by the speech but my mind was in a different place.

I cried.
I didn't want to go out there and talked to the desperate people. One of the leader Heidi asked "why?"

At the moment I could only said "I don't want to look into their eyes and see sadness." 

My reason at the time suggested I am kind, but there was more. I spent most of my life looking the other way pretending there's no brutality in this world, because I thought it will never be part of my life. 

Now being in Tenderloin and everything was in my face...and the good chance of while we were listening to the pumped up speech, an innocent girl or kid is being abused in the building across the street from us. It was more than I could bear. 

Heidi then suggested I can stay in the kitchen instead. 

Like a whiny annoying kid, I said no to that and went on the streets though I cried about it.

I think God knows that I was not ready to see anything more so the 2 days we were there serving I didn't see any demon possessed people like some of the students had. Nor have I seen too much that I came back quiet. 

The firs day morning I was just running back and froth between Rescue Mission and City Impact Thrift store trying to find a set of clothes for a large lady. Which took lots of time and two other male students follow me back and forth, just in case anything happened. They were such good sports, very kind and no complains while I took their time away from spending time with people in needs.

In the afternoon I just helped in the kitchen for a change. 

Then in the evening all the students were out on the streets to pray with people. That evening was quite interesting. There was this person called Jeremiah, pretty much an Anti-Christ, telling us that we are all doing devil's works. Then he claimed he was a prophet come to save the world and has died and rose again by shot heroin into his arm. He even claim there are 8000 people in Hawaii doing yoga and they are his followers. 

One thing I found interesting was....thought he was using jehovah's witnesses bible..that bible IS very well read. Jeremiah knows his bible very well yet what he got out of it is so out of the world.

The conversation with this guy went on for 20-30 minutes between him and other Thrive Students...but it didn't really go anywhere.

On the way back to City Impact's office, we passed by a Catholic church with homeless people sleeping in front. Some students in my group started to have long and deep conversations with some of them. While I was waiting, one of the homeless old men Called Victor woke up. He used the little English he know to tell me Cuba was a beautiful county but not any more. I then asked him if he was doing all right, he replied "I am good now but I don't know about tomorrow."..(how do I replied to that?) However I did made sure my eyes were looking straight into his so I can really connect with him. Then I asked if I could  prayed from him, he immediately agreed. After the prayer I pet his head and told him to come to Rescue Mission for food the next morning. 

It's really God who helped me to do any of this. If it wasn't God I would't have touch a homeless person with no disgust or fear. Nor would I even try to connect with a homeless person and learn that he has a name....and he is Victor. To be really honest with you, (yeah, Thrive Naked!) I don't know how long Victor still got in his life. In fact he didn't even showed up at the Rescue Mission the next morning, and the street he was on the night before was being washed by a streets cleaner. I don't think I've helped this old man that much. It is probably more about God works in me by allowing me to see the sadness of reality, so that I can understand more about His sorrow and His love for His children who are suffering.